THE P.A.C.K. (1997)

Just came across this gem, what better way to fight for humanity than with your fists. And a bazooka. 

The worst Gremlins game that never was.

Movies.com unearthed a cancelled Gremlins game for PS2/Gamecube and argues its for good reason, and I'm not about to say otherwise. But really, have any of you guys ever played a Gremlins video game? THEY ALL SUCK DUNKEY BUTT.

Gremlins 2 for Gameboy


Gremlins: Unleashed! for Gameboy


Stripe vs Gizmo for GBA


Gremlins 2 for NES


Gremlins for Atari 2600

So nothing new or enlightening in this post, just a quick reminder that when you have to crap in a public toilet, there's always a turd waiting for you.

You've Got Personality....

VHS Cover of the Day: The Black Crystal (1991)

Hudson Hawk (1991)

David Caruso, Sandra Bernhard, Zangief and Frank Stallone. The supporting cast of dreams. Yes, they're all here alongside Bruce Willis, Danny Aiello, Andie MacDowell and James Coburn in Hudson Hawk! This movie reeks of '90s absurdity with Willis getting back to comedy, but unfortunately, he's not always as funny as he thinks. This is based on Willis' one & only script, and it's fun enough, but it doesn't really make a whole lot of sense, even when allowing for absurdity to reign.

Willis plays Hawkins aka The Hudson Hawk, a cat burglar recently paroled who gets pulled into a crazy heist involving DaVinci and candy bars. His partner is Danny Aiello and together they time their heist by singing the same song at the same time while doing their tasks. Watches would be easier. And quieter. 'Cause they're singing this shit full blast in museum showrooms. Sayin'. The movie just gets nuttier and nuttier until it's full on lasers and DaVinci plans and glass shape thingies; I'm not sure what Willis was thinking. It's like part Indiana Jones, part Moonlighting, a dash of Caddyshack (not the funny parts) and maybe a sprinkle of food poisoning.




I'm a pretty big Willis fan, so I kind of enjoyed seeing this and maybe it only ought to stay for fans of Bruno. Hawk got terrible reviews on its release and it won for a sackful of Razzies in 1992. You could do way worse when it comes to screwball comedies though. And I think that's part of the marketing problem, which Wikipedia confirmed for me. You'd think they'red be more action based on the trailer, but it's more along the lines of Stallone's '90s screwball comedy Oscar or something, with action bits. David Caruso was pretty funny-though-bordering-on-annoying in his non-speaking role which ends with him painted up as a statue and then being crossbowed. And Andie MacDowell is cute as a button as always. But ultimately, if you just want to see Willis blow some stuff up, just watch Die Hard again. I assume all of you own it, and if not delete me from your memory banks, you're dead to me.

Man I want that baseball cap!

I think Willis and crew expected this to be a big hit though; there was a video game and the soundtrack features two duets from Willis and Aiello performing their heist tunes. There was a pretty heavy marketing campaign for it as well, and I'm sure if you've never seen the movie, you've at least heard of it. Well now you have. And you can hear the duets, including the whole soundtrack below. And if you're feeling especially saucy this weekend, you can grab the Gameboy rom also.

Hudson Hawk Soundtrack

Hudson Hawk for Gameboy, lucky you

"Slurp my butt."

Michael Jackson's Ghosts (1997)

Man I don't know where I was when this came out; hopefully getting laid. But I had never heard of this before now, and only discovered it by accident on Amazon. I think MJ was trying to recapture some of his "Thriller" glory as his popularity waned in the late '90s and he started to really embody the whole Wacko Jacko name. But he spared no expense here, the video is directed by effects master Stan Winston and based on a story by Stephen King, MJ and Stan Winston. Pretty wild bunch eh? This apparently screened in some places with King's Thinner movie that same year, and then was subsequently released on video.

And dig this description from IMDB, I was laughing pretty hard:

"The story tells of a small town that is very much bothered by a very strange and weird man living in a visually haunted house. One day the mayor decides to go with a couple of people from his town to the weird man who's living up the hill, and tell him to leave. When they reach the mayor starts convincing him to leave his town, but the people with the mayor started liking Michael Jackson, and he started singing to them and scaring the mayor. Until in the end the mayor gets too scared and runs away, and the people come to know that Michael isn't too bad after all."

The more interesting thing is that Mike also plays the mayor and the final video shows the process to have him done up like a cranky old white man. Wikipedia says this is considered by Guiness to be the world's longest music video, and I guess. I always thought 8 Mile was.

Michael Jackson - Ghosts by Wakazai

This appears to be out of print on DVD. However, if you're feeling especially saucy you can buy the Ghosts VCD at amazon.com.Hurry, there are only 15 left!

Picture of the Day: Where is John Connor?

Can you guess who his one follower is? Click here for the answer.

The Taking of Beverly Hills (1991)

Die Hard changed everything. EVERYTHING. Not only in the action film world, but in my brain as well. The series is one of my all-time favorites, but when the first one came out in 1988 and gave the world a vulnerable, human, fighting-for-what's-right hero that had little in common with the blow-em-up mega soldiers of years before. Unlike Arnold whose every bullet hit an enemy or something that can explode, John McClane had wits, little firepower and even less shoes. He made action relatable in a way few films could before it. So naturally, every studio wanted a guy in a tight scenario action movie: Under Siege, Speed, Passenger 57...The Taking of Beverly Hills.

I remember seeing this trailer as a kid on the pay-per-view trailers channel thinking it looked sooooooo bad ass. Boomer Hayes was THE MAN! Fast forward about twenty years to my actual viewing of the movie and my initial thought was...I'VE SEEN JOHN MCCLANE, JOHN MCCLANE WAS A FRIEND OF MINE, AND YOU SIR ARE NO JOHN MCCLANE! This movie is a complete stinker, shocking, I know. Examine my enhanced version of the imdb plot with your eyeballs below:

A chemical spill has caused the occupants of Beverly Hills to be forcibly evacuated. A retiring football player left behind in a hot tub after trying score some booty, finds that the toxic gas emulating from the spill is a bogus front for a heist set up by fired police officers out to plunder the city of all its valuables. He finds himself siding with a corrupt cop who was once apart of the plan until he discovered the city's mayor had just been blown away by one of the chief crooks in charge. Now both are on the run with no help in sight...both must do whatever they can to stop these murderous looters, including using tanks and homemade bombs and stuff.




Director Sidney J. Furie, the brains behind Superman IV and Ladybugs among others, leads a mostly sincere effort, but it really pales next to what it tries to be. I mean, this is a pure stinker, it's like Die Hard was put in a blender with the Pro Bowl, Bravo, and a bad sitcom. I think it might have even been written as a sequel to Die Hard, McClane now out in LA has to stop local terrorists from robbing the hell out of an entire town. I enjoyed it when they did that for Die Hard 3 after all. I you've ever read this site before, you must be thinking "what the hell, Marshall, you love everything that sucks, how can you be showing some sense of taste now by dismissing The Taking of Beverly Hills?" Well my little chickadees, to you I would say, back up out of face, homeboy! Admittedly, I did kind of enjoy this, but seriously, if I wanted to watch Die Hard, that's what I'd do. It's just so much better.

Funny enough though, I think everyone expected this to be a huge success; it starred Ken Wahl from the Wiseguy TV show, it was based on a recently successful formula and they even optioned a video game version. Yet it grossed just under a measly million buckaroos. The game looks worse than the movie, just look at this crap.

But if you'd like, it's free to download as abandonware.

Then and Now

Child actors all grown up. Some campy and some not. I'll keep adding to this list if you suggest it.

Alex Vincent - Child's Play:

Ariana Richards & Joseph Mazello - Jurassic Park:
Brian Bonsall - Blank Check:

Carrie Henn - Aliens:
Cary Guffey - Close Encounters of the Third Kind:

Danny Cooksey - Salute Your Shorts/Terminator 2:

Danny Lloyd - The Shining:
Daveigh Chase - The Ring:

Elijah Wood - Back to the Future 2:
Felissa Rose - Sleepaway Camp:
Harvey Stephens - The Omen:

Ivyann Schwann - Problem Child 2:

Jason James Richter - Free Willy:

John Lipnicki - Jerry Macguire:

Joshua Miller - Near Dark:

Lisa & Louis Burns - The Shining:

Michael Oliver - Problem Child:

Miko Hughes - Pet SemataryNoah Hathaway & Barret Oliver - The Never Ending Story:

Patty McCormack - The Bad Seed:

Peter Billingsley - A Christmas Story:

Peter Ostrum - Charlie and the Chocolate factory:

Stephen Dorff - The Gate:

Veronica Cartwright - The Birds:
Will & Hank Deutschendorf - Ghostbusters 2:

Funny Deleted Scene From Terminator 2: "Learning to Smile"

I caught this, and some other cool scenes, while watching the uncut version of Terminator 2 today. This one made me crack up.

Street Fighter: Where Are They Now - Zangief

One thing that struck about the JCVD Street Fighter film was how many of the game characters they tried to cram into the damn movie. Many got little to no actual screen presence, and at first glance, most were new faces to me (except for Kylie Minogue that lil Aussie cutie face! Tee hee!).

So I thought, "I wonder what they're doing now?" True story. So I looked some up.

Former body builderAndrew Bryniarski, better known to your faces as Zangief, is actually the most recent Leatherface believe it or not. His resume looks pretty good truthfully, Any Given Sunday, Firefly, Batman Returns, Cyborg 3, too many classics to list. His role was beefier than most in Street FIghter, but as with all the characters in it, pretty shallow. Ok that's it, I just wanted you to know what Zangief was up to:

And I'm sure some of you will enjoy this...

Best FIght Ever!

On youtube, everything is the BEST EVAR!! and I particularly love the "best fight ever!" videos. And it's true, they're all THE BEST EVAR!!!!!!!!!! So in lieu of tits from the Toolbox Murders, I saw we watch the fights. Cool? Ok.

Ok enough, I could do this all day. FLUFF POST, sorry guys.

Camp Wrestling Camp Part 3

In the last wrestling post I mentioned the Macho Man's rap album, remember? Well in case you didn't have the get-up-and-go to investigate the matter for yourself, that's what we're doing today.

But let me back up a second and discuss the much beloved Hulk Hogan (and his Wrestling Boot Band) album from 1995, pre-Hollywood Hulk Hogan days. It's a weirdo mix and mash of genres, ranging from ballads to rap to pop. The album was produced by, and also features vocals from, The Mouth of the South Jimmy Hart, who before getting involved the with the WWF, was known from his work in '60s group The Gentrys, who generally just teetered outside the top 40, but did have one hit with "Keep on Dancing."

Anyways, this album here is RIDICULOUS. I'm not sure why Hulk did this, especially in 1995. I'm sure if he did an album between 1983 and 1987, I would have listened to it everyday for a good mental pump up as a kid, but alas, we instead get the Hogan on the decline and I'm not sure what to make of it. It's funny of course, but in no way pumps me up mentally or emotionally to get through the day.

Hulk Hogan - Hulk Rules

The Macho Man counters with a much more out-of-his-prime move and released this album in 2003! 2003!!!!!!!! His wrestling career was all but wrapped up by that point, so he decided he needed to release a RAP album, and even includes a diss track at Hogan, who had also pretty much retired at this point. I don't think they were even wrestling in the same league or anything. I'm not positive on that, but two aging wrestlers throwing diss tracks at each would be pretty funny to hear on a regular basis.

Macho Man - Be a Man

Of the two, Hogan's more listenable for its kitsch value, and it's not harsh on the ears. Savage does the whole album is his coarse tone and it's def not fun to listen to repeatedly. "I Want to be a Hulkamaniac," "Hulkster in Heaven" and "Be a Man" are instant camp classics, but they're all ridiculous, ha!

What's especially funny is back in the mid '90s I saw both Hogan and Macho Man at Clearwater Beach, FL during the height of their feuds I think. They were chilling in a parking lot, buddying around and signing autographs, there for a pre-olympic beach volleyball qualifying match. Very funny to see those guys out of the ring.

Camp Wrestling Camp Part 2

I think worse than actors turned musician is athlete turned actor. No, don't argue with me on this point! Unless you are arguing that athlete turned musician is worse, then yes, you win that argument (have you heard the Macho man's rap album by the way?) But anyways, let's stick to the issue at hand. Wrestlers have a great knack for performing in the ring, but when it comes to celluloid, well, I can't always say the same. Now, this all being said, some of these wrestlers below I hold near and dear, but I know full well that they suck at acting.

Hulk Hogan


The Rock


Rowdy Roddy Piper


John Cena


Goldberg

Ok so I actually do kind of like the Rock, despite his questionable film choices. And I kind of loved 12 Rounds, sue me. I'm drawing a blank on whatever other wrestlers have done movies, did Stone Cold Steve Austin make one? I know Captain Lou Albano was Super Mario. I'm too lazy to look up more right now, but post others in the comments! We'll put them up for a part 5. Parts 3 & 4 are reserved right now!

Sewage Baby aka The Suckling (1990)

You know a movie called Sewage Baby is going to be awesome when it begins with a text scroll about how it's based on a true story, told no less from a crazy lady. This movie also goes by the name The Suckling, but I'll just refer to it as The Suck going forward.

The incredible ridiculous story goes as such: a young woman and her boyfriend go to seedy whorehouse to get an abortion, why there? Who knows. But Big Mama and the girl's boyfriend drug her and coathanger the baby out against her will, and the FLUSH IT DOWN THE TOILET ("just like I taught you") after which it get soaked in toxic waste from some mysterious biohazard drum that happens to be outside the whorehouse. Of course, junior gets mutated into a giant pissed off fetus, that then proceeds to cover the whole whorehouse in a humongous placenta, and kill everyone trapped inside. After everyone is killed but the fetus's momma, it shrinks itself and runs back into her vagina! Based on a true story!!!

Baby goes on to kill people left and right, but I think about half of the people inside either get killed by each other or themselves. This was kind of the interesting and also ridiculous part of the story, how people coped with their "situation." The dialogue is hilarious through and through. There's some weirdo-o comedic scenes also that are kind of out of place, unless the movie is trying to be a comedy, but it doesn't seem like it throughout the rest of them movie. I do not recommend watching this alone, only for the fact that this is much better with beers and buds, and these films tend to be. This is the sole credit for writer/director Francis Teri, whom I guessing regrets having an abortion in her youth? Actually, I guess Francis could be a dude, I couldn't find confirmation on that. But this movie is just about the biggest anti-abo film you can have from whorehouse to the monster fetus to mental effects it has on momma.

Also check out the priceless reentering-the-womb scene