It's Wet and It's Dry

Sweet baby lord

Splash, Too (1988)

I know what you're gonna say. "You think you can just walk back into my life, after the way you just disappeared, no calls, no letters, nothing?!" Well, yeah, I mean, I was going through some stuff, had to clear my head, needed some time alone. But I'm back! And I brought you something! "You brought me this piece of crap TV movie? Not even a straight to VHS gem or anything?" No, but...I...it's...the sequel to your favorite Tom Hanks movie..."WHAT A TOONER & HOOCH 2?!" .....

Ok so, no, but they did make a Splash, Too. So if you recall, at the end of Splash, Tom Hanks and Darryl Hannah are swimming to an underwater kingdom, and Hanx was told he can never return to New York once they go there. So while you'd expect this would start with them in said underwater kingdom, it opens with them on a desert island. Apparently they've been living isolated and alone on this island together, not underwater in a merkingdom. AND now Madison, played by Amy Yasbeck has magic powers to turn any water surface into a crystal ball-type pool where you can see what's happening anywhere in the world. Andy, played by Todd Waring is homesick and even though he was told he can NEVER return to New York, apparently they can. So they go back.

This whole movie is a terrible set up to what one presumes would have been an I Dream of Jeanie type TV show, because that's what it feels like. It's got horrible jokes, a wacky neighbor and the terrible premise of Andy needing to help his brother save his business and Madison finding purpose by trying to save a dolphin that's being experimented on. And this being the pre-big budget TV days you can't expect much in the way of effects.

I've already said more about this than it deserves, unfortunately. I mean, it's kind of "cute" in a way, but ultimately it's just plain dumb. It's boooooring. It's barely watchable, but if in a pinch (however that would happen) you could make it out of this sane. 

VHS Cover of the Day: El Canibal aka The Manhunter (1980)

Computer Beach Party (1987)

Die Hard: The Musical

Have I mentioned that I'm a Die Hard fan? No? That's weird, well I am. And also actors making music. So when I caught wind of this, I had to share.

Our very own Special Agent Johnson has an album of Sinatra standards, just released this past fall. Robert Davi, whom you may know better from Maniac Cop 2 & 3, The Taking of Beverly Hills, The Goonies and/or Predator 2, is also apparently a student of the great American Songboook. I just happened to be cruising iTunes radio stations when I caught a bit of a program that was mentioning his album and had clips of interviews and a handful of tracks from his album. I was surprised, dude has pipes. Check out this great interview promo clip where he also discusses his first viewing of Die Hard with Arnold Schwarzenegger:

If you're interested, you can pick up his album, Davi Sings Sinatra: On the Road to Romance on Amazon.

Trivia: Davi's first film was with Sinatra, Contract on Cherry Street.

So this news got naturally got me thinking about Die Hard and Bruce Willis also released an album of blues songs back in the '80s, called The Return of Bruno. I'm not really sure who in his circle encouraged him to go forward with that particular project, but he followed it with 2 other albums in '89 and '99 respectively that I haven't heard. But one thing you might not know is that Bruno was accompanied by a kind of ridiculous HBO special of the same name. Now I mean, I'm a Bruce Willis fan, he's the only reason I would check out the new G.I. Joe movie, but his singing is just kind of average I guess. The special, however, totally sells it:

You can get the special on lovely lovely VHS for only $20 at Amazon!. I would put a download of the album/special on here, but now I'm all paranoid with the recent squashing of such activities. I'm sure with a little sleuthing you all can find them as well.

And possibly more familiar is Alan Rickman's (aka HANS GRUBER) singing role in Sweeney Todd, as Judge Turpin.

So all of this is to get to the point that I would like to propose, Die Hard: The Musical. How terrible/awesome would that be?! Actually, instead of all the endless stream of crime dramas premiering every year on network television, I wish someone would do a Die Hard show with a young McClane fresh on the force. That would be cool too. Actually anything more Die Hard. Die Hard. Yes.

Ridiculous French TV Interview with Rambo Look-alike

Dangerous Minds:

"Here’s an extremely amusing interview with “Rambo” look-alike Wayne Scott on a French TV news show filmed some time in the 80s. There’s even a pretty terrific dance routine towards the end."

Watch it all the way through, you'll thank me and thank yourself.

Harrison Ford Watches “Indiana Jones” Trilogy For The First Time

Cool Vintage Russian Sci-Fi cartoons

If you follow us on YouTube you would have seen these before, but if some of you losers do not, here are some really cool vintage Russian animations based on Ray Bradbury stories. If you don't speak Russian, hopefully you're familiar enough with the stories to at least follow along. Thanks to whoever first put these into the digital universe, we are but a vessel.

Watch the Original Karate Kid Film as a Rehearsal

Do you love the 1983 film The Karate Kid, but wish it had been more raw and unproduced...like to the point where it looked like it was shot on an old camcorder? Well, your wish has come true. Someone has strung together the full film, in sequence, using only rehearsal footage. I know! Finally, right?

And Now An Important Message From Silver Shamrock Novelties

The worst Gremlins game that never was.

Movies.com unearthed a cancelled Gremlins game for PS2/Gamecube and argues its for good reason, and I'm not about to say otherwise. But really, have any of you guys ever played a Gremlins video game? THEY ALL SUCK DUNKEY BUTT.

Gremlins 2 for Gameboy


Gremlins: Unleashed! for Gameboy


Stripe vs Gizmo for GBA


Gremlins 2 for NES


Gremlins for Atari 2600

So nothing new or enlightening in this post, just a quick reminder that when you have to crap in a public toilet, there's always a turd waiting for you.

If Album Covers Like This Really Existed...

More people would buy music.

Hot Cars, Cold Facts starring Johnny Five

While we may never get a Short Circuit 3, we can still learn of the further adventures of Johnny Five's life as a citizen, including home ownership and what happens when his truck gets stolen in Hot Cars, Cold Facts...wait...WTF?! Yes, see below:

Alien 2: On Earth (1980)

Italian horror/sci-fi movie Alien 2:On Earth is supposed to be an unofficial sequel to the 1979 Ridley Scott Alien. While it doesn't really have any echoes of that movie other than having, you know, an alien in it, it is pretty creative init's own right. The beginning is kind of slow, following a group of spelunkers on their way do their thang. Once they get down in the ground, all hell breaks loose when they discover a organism down there that kind looks like rocks. I kinda dug this movie quite a bit, for what it is.



I get why they wanted to hop on the Alien-train and cash in, but really there's not a thing about this that reminds me of Alien. It's present day it seems, and the alien I guess is more of a shape shifter rather than a recognizable creature, but this has more to do with budget limitations I'm sure. It's almost like The Descent meets The Thing meets Zombi 2. If you dig Italian zombie movies I say definitely check this out, blu-ray if you can, and be patient during the opening act, and you'll see awesome things like this:

As always I may be in the minority on stuff like this, but give it a shot. It's not art. It's not cinema. But it's pretty fun. Grab it from Amazon.

VHS Cover of the Day: Beverly Hills Bodysnatchers (1989)

via vhs wasteland

VHS Cover of the Day: The Nightmare Never Ends aka Satan's Supper aka Cataclysm (1980)

via critical condition

Endings don't get much more wack-a-doo than this there. Prob should check it out.

VHS Cover of the Day: Savage Encounter aka Demon Lust (1980)

via critical condition

Grizzly 2 (1983-ish)

So there are a lot of sought after and legendary pieces of media that aficionados discuss and speculate about, like the Beach Boy's Smile album or Jerry Lewis' The Day the Clown cried, some of which have eventually surfaced or been released, and for my money, destroy the mystique and never live up to the built-up hype. Chinese Democracy, anyone?

Anyways, to a lesser degree I guess you could call Grizzly 2 one of those, only for the reason that it featured early appearances by George Clooney, Laura Dern, John Rhys-Davies and Charlie Sheen. I had read recently that a copy of the work print surfaced and through some digging, researching and haggling, I got a copy of it and also now have GoldenCasino.com tattoos in my arm pits.

Being a work print, it's very unfinished, so it's hard to say what level of awesome it could have wound up being. In its current state...it's pretty ridiculous. Awful sound, not much grizzly or any effects for that mater and a terribly incomplete finale are what we get. And I've actually seen finished movies that resemble this completeness, so I assume this could have been an awesome crazy Jaws-like huge animal rampage story.

still from horror movie diary

The premise is that there's a huge concert going down in the woods, and nearby hunters kill the huge cub of a huger mama bear who decides that killing all peoples is her only recourse. Almost like Orca or Jaws 3. That's it. With finale pretty much unfinished, how it ends is a little mysterious, but what we do know is that this gigantic bear ends up with a front row seat to the show, and by that I mean tangled up in a wall speakers flailing around. The huge crowd loves it! Here's a fan edited version of the finale to try and make sense of it:

But the best part is the music! The (temporary?) soundtrack consists of two Michael Jackson songs on repeat and the groups playing concert are hilarious italo-disco bands like Toto Coelo and other euro-dudes with short shorts. There's some pretty awesome rehearsal scenes for fans of camp, which we are.

THE BURNING QUESTION: Clooney, Sheen and Dern all die at the hand of the bear POV camera, and their total combined screen time is maybe 5 minutes max. So there.

The production was shut down for now unknown reasons, though speculation has run from dried up financing, to being ousted by the Hungarian government over paying for permits to special effects problems with the grizzly. Nick Maley who did effects on the movie has said that wasn't an issue though, but I dunno, the little that was produced look butt junky. Who knows. There are a few articles and interviews online that discuss the production, but now that it's semi-available, I can't imagine anyone caring. The mystique is gone! The film is unfinished! I can't say it's worth the effort or money or emotional/physical sacrifice to track this down.

Every Bill Paxton line from Aliens.

Game over, man.

Joey aka Making Contact (1985)

One christmas, my parents got me what they considered to be a pretty sweet gift for a kid, a Charlie McCarthy ventriloquist's dummy. And by all accounts it would have been awesome for a nerdy kid like myself, were it nor for the fact that I had recently seen Roland Emmerich's Making Contact. I can't recall the specifics from that first viewing, but I remember the experience clearly, and I remember thinking "Why are these people (my parents) letting me watch this?! It's horrifying! Why aren't they horrified?! Why don't they love me enough to make me turn it off?!"

Needless to say, the Charlie McCarthy dummy got more dust than use, much to my parent's confusion.

It took me 20+ years and a search on kindertrauma to rediscover this childhood horror. We open on the funeral of Joey's pops, and quickly jump into discovering that Joey's dad is now a ghost who calls him on a toy telephone and teaches him esp stuff like moving a glass of with his mind. And although all this hocus pocus is going on, Joey's toys seem to be independently alive, I don't get it.

Anyways, Joey then discovers a ventriloquist's dummy named Fletcher in a basement that shoots lightning form his eyeballs and growls a lot (that scared poop into my pants when I was a kid) who is also alive and reveals to Joey that the man on the phone is not his father, but am old timey ventriloquist! Or is he lying?!


I hate to say stuff like this in sci-fi-ish movies, but a ton of implausible stuff happens, mostly character stuff (so Joey's teacher sneaks into peoples homes and they don't care? In fact he stays for dinner?) The dummy goes on a rampage and traps some of Joey's schoolmates in the cellar where he was first found with all sorts of wack-a-doo magic happenings. It's up to Joey to go in and use his newly discovered telekinetic powers and shut that bitch down, america style.

The movie's pretty trim at 79 minutes, though the German version has about 20 minutes longer. I'm not sure what the differences are, so please don't ask. It's available on youtube though.

So many movies like this seem awesome when we're kids, but suck lion turds on rewatching. In this case, I think having seen it once and being horrified and seeing it again only now actually helped it. That and it's many references coupled with decent production values make it a cut above similar wannabes. The whole thing reeks of ET, Poltergeist, maybe some Goonies as well and even Star Wars references including ripped off R2D2-like robot that hangs out with Joey the whole movie.


We all know Emmerich went onto to bigger and bigger and BIGGER HUGER WORLD ENDING things. Every movie he makes apparently needs to out do each previous film. That man isn't content destroying the world twice for chrissakes. But here, being a super early work, his limitations in budget and effects help keep the story kind of grounded. I cant imagine if he were making this movie now how it might turn out. "Ok so instead of the dummy just terrorizing kids, I think it'd be more powerful if he runs for president and then tried to explode the world with aliens before he changes history!" "What?" "I know!" I cant guarantee you will like this not having been traumatized as a child though, because it certainly isn't great per se, but I found immensely more watchable than many of Emmerich's more recent disastersplotation films.

More than anything, this has me pumped to see Super 8. But you can buy Joey on DVD at amazon.com for now