THE P.A.C.K. (1997)

Just came across this gem, what better way to fight for humanity than with your fists. And a bazooka. 

Every Bill Paxton line from Aliens.

Game over, man.

Custom-Made Alien Facehugger Action Figure

Custom action figure of Kane with facehugger from the classic Alien film! (via Super Punch)

Alien Dead (1980)

There are few times in life when I think, “Man, I could really go for a drink. Or six.” Watching this film was one of them. It was literally one of the worst movies I have ever seen. Sitting through this movie and not giving up on it was an act of Herculian effort, and I’m pretty sure I should be given a medal for making it all the way through. I couldn't find a real trailer for it, and I initially was going to just say the hell with it and not post any clips from it, but I couldn't not show the sheer awfulness of this movie, so I've included a few videos of select scenes from it just to back up what I'm saying.

I picked this up on a whim for ten bucks after having seen it at various video stores, figuring, “What’s the worst that can happen?” Simple: this movie. I grabbed the 25h anniversary edition, which is somewhat of a misnomer as this is the only time this movie has ever been released on DVD. The description on the back read about how this movie was eagerly awaited since debuting back in the ‘80s, and how lucky we are that a mint copy was found amongst a film collectors archives. I don’t feel lucky. At all. When I think of movies from the ‘80s that I’m glad were finally released on DVD, I think Monster Squad. That was a film I was ecstatic to hear of being released on DVD, not a sad attempt at a horror film by a director not fit to direct a high school play trying to cash in on the early ‘80s zombie craze. Goofy Italian movies about zombies (think Hell Of The Living Dead or Nightmare City) can at least be chalked up to the quirkiness of European directors, but this movie has no excuses.

The plot is something like this: a meteorite falls out of the sky and people start eating each other. That’s…pretty much it. There’s a sad attempt at ominous foreshadowing when local yokels heehaw about the local gator population dropping down for some reason in the swamp where the movie takes place. That reason, of course, being that zombies like eating alligators. But, where other ‘80s attempts at zombie-ish movies exceed, Alien Dead falls pathetically short. Think Night Of The Creeps but unwatchable. The acting is…abominable. Not that talent is a huge requirement in such films, but come on. This was downright awful. It’s like Fred Olen Ray just hired his friends to act in this movie and kept all of their first takes in the final cut. The production, despite promising a “Hollywood sheen” on the back description as part of it’s appeal, was reminiscent of the films from the 70s we used to watch in science class. And not in a good way. The sound was awful, the colors were washed out and faded even for a movie 25 plus years old, and the gore and make up was nigh laughable in its amateurness. Did I just make up a word to describe this? I did. Deal with it. One shot in particular where a character is about to be killed highlights this perfectly: his death occurs in a lake after he dives in to investigate a boat explosion, and we see, for at least three second before he dives in, the blood make up already on him. In another scene, in something like a sad attempt a Fulci-esque slow linger on gore, we are treated to a character who has just been goofily mauled by zombies as he lies on the ground, gone from the waist down. And you can see him breathing. Not once in a “did that just happen?” moment, but several times over the course of ten or so seconds. It’s insane. Insanely bad.

Now, you’re probably thinking I should see the charm in how bad this is, that I should embrace the schlock of Alien Dead and just relax. Here’s why I’m not doing that.

A) A. This wasn’t one of those it’s so bad it’s good movies. It was just bad. Poor plot, poor writing, poor production, poor everything. Just awful. Most shitty movies will have at least some redeeming value, be it creepy imagery, a good soundtrack, a touch of comedy, good cinematography...just something. Nothing of that here. The cinematography was uninspired, the soundtrack was something like the offspring of a Carpenter film and a Romero film but lacking the awesomeness of either one, and the only humor in the movie was a brand of “aw shucks gee wiz” good ol boy bullshit that I suspect was the filmmakers sad attempt at embracing the colloquialism of where the movie was supposed to take place. Florida, I think.

B) B. Most movies with small budgets, especially horror movies, can, in good hands, at least make something worthy of the budget. This movie definitely doesn’t. The back description claims it was made for 12,000, which grant it isn’t much at all, but you could’ve told me it was made by community college film students for half that and I’d have a hard time believing you. The indoor scenes, be they a bar, a boat, or a police station, all looked exactly the same and probably were shot in the exact soundstage/studio/whatever.

C) C. It lacks the excessive charm of ‘80s flicks. If you’re going to do a gory zombie movie, please, do an all out gory zombie movie. I’m not a huge fan of gore but I’m even less of a fan of half-assing things. There was precious little blood and guts in this movie, and I suspect that was the type of film they were going for. Same with pointless sex. I’m not really into movies that just appeal to peoples base natures with tits and violence, but at the same time if you’re making a movie that should have tits and violence then please give me shovelfuls of both. Alien Dead had some boobage, yes…but not enough. Not nearly enough. Not enough to really push it into that charming family of memorable campy films.

There you have it. A totally boring and uninspired movie, lacking even one thing that would make it salvageable. Unlike other splatterfests from that time period, say, Fulci’s ‘Gates Of Hell’ films, this movie was completely devoid of any artistic value. Sure, Fulci films are packed with excessively violent death scenes and the plots take a back seat to surreal horror, but Fulci was at least a skilled filmmaker who knew how to get his vision of what the movie was supposed to be about across to the viewer, even if the movie was supposed to just be about someone dying horribly. Watching a Fulci flick is sort of like watching a visual poem about something terrible happening over and over and over again. Watching Alien Dead was akin to watching ‘Two Girls One Cup” over and over and over again.

Don’t watch this movie. Don’t buy it, don’t even think about it. It was a completely irredeemable train wreck from start to finish and only made me sad that I’d wasted 72 minutes of my life. According to Wikipedia, the sole “star” of the movie, famed serial star Buster Crabbe, who was known for such roles as Buck Rogers and Tarzan, died shortly after completion of the movie by tripping over a garbage can and suffering a heart attack (on the day I was born, might I add). Maybe in Buster’s part of the country “tripping over a garbage can and suffering a heart attack” is code for “dying of embarrassment, regret, and shame”, because I can’t think of a worse possible movie to end a career on. I can sympathize, as I too felt all three of those emotions in spades after watching this movie. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go scrub my balls with steel wool and douse them in vinegar to bring my mood back to an acceptable level after seeing this movie.

The Deadly Spawn (1983)

As you can see just one movie poster for this review wasn’t enough. If I could, I’d post EVERY movie poster I could find. Hell, maybe I did post every movie poster I could get my hands on. And why? Cause this movie is seriously awesome.

First I must say it's been on my “white whale” list for some time. I had it on my Amazon wishlist and would keep an eye out for it at flea markets before finally snagging a copy at Barnes & Noble, and I was not disappointed. I don’t know why exactly I had this movie on my list of things to get. Maybe it’s a weakness for monsters from space movies. Maybe it’s the vaguely Cronenbergian image of a human torso sort of growing out of whatever those things are. For some reason I think I may have seen this when I was really young, and maybe that’s why I wanted to own it the moment it popped up in my recommendations on Amazon. But it’s not really important why I wanted this movie. What is important is that it was there, and when I finally saw it, it was well worth it. Definitely made it into my top ten sci fi movies of all time, and for so many reasons.

The plot is simple and reliable: think such classics as The Blob, Night Of The Creeps, and Little Shop Of Horrors. Meteor lands in the woods, luckless camper goes to investigate, ends up first meal for something at first only revealed in silhouette, and it only goes uphill from there. The titular creatures go on a snacking spree, taking shelter in the basement of a house and eating everyone and –thing that comes within tentacles reach. In classic B-movie fashion, the burden of confronting and destroying the monster(s) falls on the shoulders of a young horror movie enthusiast who begins to suspect something terribly wrong is going on in the basement, and he enlists the help of some friends to stop the spawn before they reproduce and eat everything. Things go wrong, the monster stalks them throughout the house, and there is a final confrontation in which the beast is bested…or is it?

This movie is everything ‘80s horror should be and then some. It hits all the right spots for a good horror flick and suffers from none of the weaknesses and excesses that films from that era suffer from. There is no hot girl with her breasts all over the place for sex appeal. No pointless underage drinking. The Deadly Spawn doesn’t need that to be good. It confronts the viewer on fair ground and doesn’t use any dirty tricks such as the previously mentioned booze and breasts to get the job done. It harkens back to the golden age of B-movie monster flicks, a more innocent time for movies, but with a slightly serious undertone that transcends the hokey thrills of ‘50s movies and edges into something genuinely creepy. The idea of something coming from space and devouring people had even almost thirty years ago been beaten into the ground, and yet the imagery presented of some hungry and mindless thing dropping out of the sky and eating everything is utterly horrifying. The whole movie takes place largely within in a house, and this confined setting lends the film a suffocating and claustrophobic feel that is honestly frightening, something few films from this era can pull of without relying on a ton of gore. To be fair, The Deadly Spawn has it’s fair share of gore, but it’s not gore for the sake of gore; instead, it is only used because it is essentially to the story, and even then it is tasteful and within reason (well…as tasteful and within reason that such a film can be). It uses horrific imagery and creepy atmospherics to get the job done. The early basement scenes in particular are especially eerie, where a plumber is devoured in darkness by the creatures, and done so in a nearly nightmarish way. The use of shadow, whether done for budget purposes or deliberately for stylistic reasons is effective in creating a feeling of unease and uncertainty. Also worthy of mention is the scene where the monster bursts into the main characters bedrooms, an unnerving contrast from the dark and dimly lit basement where most of the scenes involving it had taken place in up until then. And, while we all know what the monster looks like seeing as it IS displayed prominently on the cover of the DVD and the movie posters (think Audrey II from the ‘80s version of Little Shop of Horrors and a tumor having a child) the first time you actually see it in the basement in the movie is rather striking. The monster effects are a bit goofy but still effective, cheesy but just convincing enough to be creepy. I wish they still made monster movies with effects like this, instead of hiring some goof on a computer to punch in the image in post-production. And as a vegan can I forget the amazing vegetarian lunch held by a group of old women that is interrupted by the creatures who end up being part of the lunch? Classic!!!

I can sum up this review in one simple phrase: buy this movie. Buy it now. It’s a ton of fun, and it packs a real punch in the creep department. It stand up there with movies like Killer Klowns From Outer Space and Night Of The Creeps when it comes to nostagliac sci fi/horror that is dripping with schlock but still has the power to be a really, really quality movie. This isn’t just another goofy ‘80s movie to watch with your friends and make fun of. It’s not so bad it’s good. It’s just good for what it is and nothing else. So please…do yourself a favor and check this out. You can thank me later. Anyway you want. Yes…even that way. Especially that way.