The Deadly Spawn (1983)

As you can see just one movie poster for this review wasn’t enough. If I could, I’d post EVERY movie poster I could find. Hell, maybe I did post every movie poster I could get my hands on. And why? Cause this movie is seriously awesome.

First I must say it's been on my “white whale” list for some time. I had it on my Amazon wishlist and would keep an eye out for it at flea markets before finally snagging a copy at Barnes & Noble, and I was not disappointed. I don’t know why exactly I had this movie on my list of things to get. Maybe it’s a weakness for monsters from space movies. Maybe it’s the vaguely Cronenbergian image of a human torso sort of growing out of whatever those things are. For some reason I think I may have seen this when I was really young, and maybe that’s why I wanted to own it the moment it popped up in my recommendations on Amazon. But it’s not really important why I wanted this movie. What is important is that it was there, and when I finally saw it, it was well worth it. Definitely made it into my top ten sci fi movies of all time, and for so many reasons.

The plot is simple and reliable: think such classics as The Blob, Night Of The Creeps, and Little Shop Of Horrors. Meteor lands in the woods, luckless camper goes to investigate, ends up first meal for something at first only revealed in silhouette, and it only goes uphill from there. The titular creatures go on a snacking spree, taking shelter in the basement of a house and eating everyone and –thing that comes within tentacles reach. In classic B-movie fashion, the burden of confronting and destroying the monster(s) falls on the shoulders of a young horror movie enthusiast who begins to suspect something terribly wrong is going on in the basement, and he enlists the help of some friends to stop the spawn before they reproduce and eat everything. Things go wrong, the monster stalks them throughout the house, and there is a final confrontation in which the beast is bested…or is it?

This movie is everything ‘80s horror should be and then some. It hits all the right spots for a good horror flick and suffers from none of the weaknesses and excesses that films from that era suffer from. There is no hot girl with her breasts all over the place for sex appeal. No pointless underage drinking. The Deadly Spawn doesn’t need that to be good. It confronts the viewer on fair ground and doesn’t use any dirty tricks such as the previously mentioned booze and breasts to get the job done. It harkens back to the golden age of B-movie monster flicks, a more innocent time for movies, but with a slightly serious undertone that transcends the hokey thrills of ‘50s movies and edges into something genuinely creepy. The idea of something coming from space and devouring people had even almost thirty years ago been beaten into the ground, and yet the imagery presented of some hungry and mindless thing dropping out of the sky and eating everything is utterly horrifying. The whole movie takes place largely within in a house, and this confined setting lends the film a suffocating and claustrophobic feel that is honestly frightening, something few films from this era can pull of without relying on a ton of gore. To be fair, The Deadly Spawn has it’s fair share of gore, but it’s not gore for the sake of gore; instead, it is only used because it is essentially to the story, and even then it is tasteful and within reason (well…as tasteful and within reason that such a film can be). It uses horrific imagery and creepy atmospherics to get the job done. The early basement scenes in particular are especially eerie, where a plumber is devoured in darkness by the creatures, and done so in a nearly nightmarish way. The use of shadow, whether done for budget purposes or deliberately for stylistic reasons is effective in creating a feeling of unease and uncertainty. Also worthy of mention is the scene where the monster bursts into the main characters bedrooms, an unnerving contrast from the dark and dimly lit basement where most of the scenes involving it had taken place in up until then. And, while we all know what the monster looks like seeing as it IS displayed prominently on the cover of the DVD and the movie posters (think Audrey II from the ‘80s version of Little Shop of Horrors and a tumor having a child) the first time you actually see it in the basement in the movie is rather striking. The monster effects are a bit goofy but still effective, cheesy but just convincing enough to be creepy. I wish they still made monster movies with effects like this, instead of hiring some goof on a computer to punch in the image in post-production. And as a vegan can I forget the amazing vegetarian lunch held by a group of old women that is interrupted by the creatures who end up being part of the lunch? Classic!!!

I can sum up this review in one simple phrase: buy this movie. Buy it now. It’s a ton of fun, and it packs a real punch in the creep department. It stand up there with movies like Killer Klowns From Outer Space and Night Of The Creeps when it comes to nostagliac sci fi/horror that is dripping with schlock but still has the power to be a really, really quality movie. This isn’t just another goofy ‘80s movie to watch with your friends and make fun of. It’s not so bad it’s good. It’s just good for what it is and nothing else. So please…do yourself a favor and check this out. You can thank me later. Anyway you want. Yes…even that way. Especially that way.

Sewage Baby aka The Suckling (1990)

You know a movie called Sewage Baby is going to be awesome when it begins with a text scroll about how it's based on a true story, told no less from a crazy lady. This movie also goes by the name The Suckling, but I'll just refer to it as The Suck going forward.

The incredible ridiculous story goes as such: a young woman and her boyfriend go to seedy whorehouse to get an abortion, why there? Who knows. But Big Mama and the girl's boyfriend drug her and coathanger the baby out against her will, and the FLUSH IT DOWN THE TOILET ("just like I taught you") after which it get soaked in toxic waste from some mysterious biohazard drum that happens to be outside the whorehouse. Of course, junior gets mutated into a giant pissed off fetus, that then proceeds to cover the whole whorehouse in a humongous placenta, and kill everyone trapped inside. After everyone is killed but the fetus's momma, it shrinks itself and runs back into her vagina! Based on a true story!!!

Baby goes on to kill people left and right, but I think about half of the people inside either get killed by each other or themselves. This was kind of the interesting and also ridiculous part of the story, how people coped with their "situation." The dialogue is hilarious through and through. There's some weirdo-o comedic scenes also that are kind of out of place, unless the movie is trying to be a comedy, but it doesn't seem like it throughout the rest of them movie. I do not recommend watching this alone, only for the fact that this is much better with beers and buds, and these films tend to be. This is the sole credit for writer/director Francis Teri, whom I guessing regrets having an abortion in her youth? Actually, I guess Francis could be a dude, I couldn't find confirmation on that. But this movie is just about the biggest anti-abo film you can have from whorehouse to the monster fetus to mental effects it has on momma.

Also check out the priceless reentering-the-womb scene

The Outing aka The Lamp (1986)

poster from wrong side of the art

A semi-recent post over at the Lost Video Archive led me to this little gem which I enjoyed a bit more than expected. True, it has nothing to do with camping, as the title may suggest; I'm not even sure the kids in the poster are the ones in the movie, it's hard to say. Also true that the opening makes little sense with what follows. Yes, the movie's middle is slow and you're left feeling like you wish you hasn't watched it. But I simply cannot resist a ridiculous monster movie. I have no idea how this ailment has come to afflict me, nor do I hope for a cure any time soon. Please do not hold this against me. I do wish there was a hell of a lot more monster genie and a hell of a lot less boring though. Also there are boobs, so no complaining there.

There's a really funny snakes-biting-a-lady-in-a-bathtub-then-biting-a-man-in-the-weenis scene too, which in everyday life would probably not be so funny, but I was laughing kind of hilariously at. I hope this says more about the filmmaking and less about me as a person. The Outing was written and directed by one-timers Warren Chaney and Tom Daley respectively, which works out because I will likely only watch this the one time. When the genie (djinn) finally does show up, it's a horrible piece of wobbly foam I imagined someone waving over their head for all of it's scenes. Don't get me wrong, if you're hoping for a ridiculous, nonsensical '80s monster horror jaunt, which I usually am, then you won't be disappointed. But don't get mad at me if you are, I didn't make it.

peek-a-boo!

Also thanks to LVA for linking to the youtube playlist for the whole movie!

Rawhead Rex vs Pumpkinhead

For absolutely no reason other than that I love movie monsters, I am going to ask you, dear readers, to choose your favorite of the "Head" demons, Rawhead Rex and Pumpkinhead. I am assuming everyone has seen and loves these epic monster movies (Darsh, I'm looking at you), but for the uninformed, let us begin the "Two-Headed" debate by first reviewing the trailers:

As you can plainly see, both of these movies rule even from just the trailers alone. I love both for very different reasons, but now, let's review what both have going for them and where they may edge out the other. Both are created by masters in their respective arts. Rawhead Rex comes from a Clive Barker short story (though he has disowned this film) and Pumpkinhead comes from effects genius Stan Winston. Plus for both. With Winston on its side, Pumpkinhead looks way more...finished I guess, but Rawhead seriously rules in a campy way, see below:




Hm, for sheer effects, this one goes to the ole' Pump. Winston, although his handiwork was limited in this film, really does have the more creepy monster. Rawhead is more of a pissed off drinking buddy, the high school jock to Pumpkinhead's goth kid. Don't underestimate the power of a pissed off jock though, because I'm giving extra credit to Rawhead for sheer bad assness. Watch an edited version of his trailer park devastation and then witness the baptism of his disciple Declan O'Brien:

You see?! I would say both have left lasting impressions on horror fans, but Pumpkinhead definitely has left the greater of the two with three sequels, a spot in McFarlane's Movie Monsters toy line and a failed attempt at a comic mini series (only 2 out 4 issues were published). A comic adaptation of Rawhead Rex was also done, but it's based directly on the short story and didn't really come about because of the movie. The movie itself follows the original story almost exactly, but it just loses the terror in favor of wrecking shit up, while we get a bit more creepiness here. The visual representation of Rawhead Rex is vastly different in the comic adaptation, see below, followed by the covers for all 3 pieces we're talking about here. Click further below to get the whole comic.

Rawhead Rex Graphic Novel

But hard economic times are upon us all, and even Pumpkinhead (from the 2006 Ashes to Ashes sequel) has been seen taking a second job promoting Raisin Bran Crunch over in the UK. Ah marketing. Anyways, we could do week long posts on both monsters I'm sure, but I'll cut it short here with some extra visual goodness after the Raisin Bran video plus the promotional score to Pumpkinhead by Richard Stone. Thanks to the original person who made that available! And just to prove the rabid fanbase both these films have, we found both Rawhead Rex and Pumpkinhead tattoos!

Pumpkinhead Promotional Score

Elves (1989)

Can Grizzly Adams handle the truth?

UPDATE: here's the back of vhs box that depicts TWO elves, though there is only one them beasts in the movie. For shame AIP, for shame.

Tremors, again

Ok, sorry for posting about the same movie twice in one day, especially a movie like Tremors, but I just had to share this German poster for the movie. Why you might ask? Because it translates to:

"In the Land of the Rocket Worms"

That is all.

The 10 Most Visually Badass Monsters According to ME! (2009)

I'm generally wrong on most things and it can be debated that I may actually only be using a small fraction of what the normal human brain should be using...

So... please feel free to add your personal picks to the comments section because I haven't seen every movie ever. I've seen a lot... but to be honest, I spend a lot of time not watching obscure horror/monster movies. Because if I did ... I wouldn't be getting married in 8 months... or sober.

I'll try to keep it short and sweet!

Enjoy!

10. Dog Soldiers (2008)
There are a lot of great werewolf movies out there... and believe me this is tough. But look at that thing! Shut up... I am right on this one!








9. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
This is the only "real" not mutated/post mortum person you will see on this list... regardless... one can debate the true nature of what makes a monster... But fuck it... Leatherface is scary... He's badass and wearing a skin mask. Sounds like my friday night.














8. The Fly (1986)
One Word: Disgusting!
Two Words: Jeff Goldblum!

















7. Nightmare On Elm Street (1984)
Robert Englund is the only Freddy. That is my response to the remake.
This fucker is even scary in silhouette form!









6. The 7th Voyage of Sinbad (1958)
I had this on Beta Max. It's probably one of my most watched films of all time and even as an adult (and I use the world adult loosely) This cyclops brings back vivid memories of fear. Ray Harryhausen is my idol.











5. Alien (1975)
No matter what sequel, spinoff , remake or video filmed by not me in the basement of my apartment while my lady is away... these constantly droolin' monsters are exactly why H.R. Giger is awesome.













4. IT (1990)
Nope... Not scary at all.









*editors note: I just pulled a "who's on first" moment with The Thing and IT.

3. The Thing (1982)
It's like if anything and everything had a baby and then made it all John Carpenter-y and slimy! Gross. Also, and I know this doesn't really apply... but... Kurt Russell.














2. King Kong (1933)
Had this on Beta Max as well. Even more watched than The 7th Voyage of Sinbad... this may also be based solely on my childhood boner for Fay Wray.
HOT DAMN!









1. Nosferatu, eine Symphonie des Grauens (1922)
Oh. Hey! I'm all silent and shit... but I will haunt your nightmares.














Yeah, yeah... I know there's no Godzilla on the list! Sue me!

The Legend of Dinosaurs and Monster Birds (1977)

Don't be fooled. I know this poster and the movie’s title would lead you to believe there are a bunch of dinos and birds in this piece. In fact, there aren't any dinosaurs or monster birds in Legend of Dinosaurs and Monsters Birds if you want to get technical. What we do have are two prehistoric monsters though, a Plesiosaur and a Rhamphornycus, which aren’t true dinosaurs. But I will concede that the title is truly epic, and that I am truly a nerd.

There are quite a couple remarkable things about this movie, though, that I think make it worth viewing, starting with its crazy Japanese-Monster-Disco soundtrack. This kind of soundtrack isn’t really that unusual, if not expected, from the kaiju movies of the ‘70s. You’re running, you’re scared, there’s a monster chasing you or about to fight another crazy monster, you might as well boogie, right?



In contrast to, let’s say, a Godzilla movie, Legend of Dinosaurs and Monsters Birds is fairly gory! There’s enough lost limbs and decapitation to satisfy the Clarence Boddikers of the world, but frankly...there’s not enough monster in this monster movie. I would like to think that the director, Junji Kurata, was trying to pull of a Jaws effect by not giving away the beast too early. What’s more likely is that the “dino” model looked like crap and he didn’t want it to be so obvious. And that notion, is only mocked by the disc’s packing with a huge blurb that says “HIGHEST BUDGETED TOEI FEATURE OF ITS TIME!” Yikes. We don’t even get any “monster birds” until the last 20 or so minutes.




All in all though, Legend of Dinosaurs and Monsters Birds holds a special place in my heart as it reminds me of the days when TNT had MonsterVision and TBS showed ridiculous flicks like this on a regular basis, including many Godzilla movies. Those hours spent watching rubber suited men slap each other around really shaped my brother and me. He is still an avid Godzilla buff and I still enjoy watching men in rubber suits battle...by that I mean KAIJU BIG BATTEL!! If you’re in Philly on June 20, do yourself a favor and check it out!



Buy Legend of Dinosaurs and Monster Birds / Rent It

The Great Epic Ape Attack: Addendum 02

This ranks up there as one of my favorite awful giant ape movies, right next to King Kong Lives and Yeti. Don't get me wrong, by all accounts A*P*E is completely terrible. There was little thought that went into Paul Leder's Kong rip off, from the spectacular lack of dialogue which results in minutes-long scenes of people screaming to the super size discrepancies in the monster ape. But let me run you through the amazing parts:

1) Though there's little dialogue, what's spoken is pretty hilarious:

"To hell with the press I'm gonna smoke this cigarette!"

"He was just too big for our small world..."

2) The ape is a total dick, from destroying balsa wood homes to giving a destroyed helicopter the finger:



3) The terrible sound design. Entire sequences lack sound effects and the score repeats itself over and over and over...

4) Joanna Kerns!!! Before becoming hot mom Maggie Seaver, Kerns gave Jessica Lange a run for her money as 1976's simian love interest. This was her first movie, believe it or not.

5) Dino DeLaurentis filed a lawsuit against the filmmakers when pre-production had originally titled this New King Kong, resulting in two things. The first being the in-film director being named Dino. The second being a huge snipe across the posters that read 'NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH KING KONG'

6) The ape escapes from a boat and fights a giant shark in the first 10 minutes!! See A*P*E!!!




I think this qualifies as irony, so in light of the ape's changing size, and the fact that Mrs. Seaver stars, I'm going to post the Growing Pains theme...get it, growing pains???

BJ Thomas / Dusty Springfield - As Long As We Got Each Other (Growing Pains theme)

Previously:
The Great Epic Ape Attack Addendum 01
The Great Epic Ape Attack of ‘09