Movies.com unearthed a cancelled Gremlins game for PS2/Gamecube and argues its for good reason, and I'm not about to say otherwise. But really, have any of you guys ever played a Gremlins video game? THEY ALL SUCK DUNKEY BUTT.
Gremlins 2 for Gameboy
Gremlins: Unleashed! for Gameboy
Stripe vs Gizmo for GBA
Gremlins 2 for NES
Gremlins for Atari 2600
So nothing new or enlightening in this post, just a quick reminder that when you have to crap in a public toilet, there's always a turd waiting for you.
David Caruso, Sandra Bernhard, Zangief and Frank Stallone. The supporting cast of dreams. Yes, they're all here alongside Bruce Willis, Danny Aiello, Andie MacDowell and James Coburn in Hudson Hawk! This movie reeks of '90s absurdity with Willis getting back to comedy, but unfortunately, he's not always as funny as he thinks. This is based on Willis' one & only script, and it's fun enough, but it doesn't really make a whole lot of sense, even when allowing for absurdity to reign.
Willis plays Hawkins aka The Hudson Hawk, a cat burglar recently paroled who gets pulled into a crazy heist involving DaVinci and candy bars. His partner is Danny Aiello and together they time their heist by singing the same song at the same time while doing their tasks. Watches would be easier. And quieter. 'Cause they're singing this shit full blast in museum showrooms. Sayin'. The movie just gets nuttier and nuttier until it's full on lasers and DaVinci plans and glass shape thingies; I'm not sure what Willis was thinking. It's like part Indiana Jones, part Moonlighting, a dash of Caddyshack (not the funny parts) and maybe a sprinkle of food poisoning.
I'm a pretty big Willis fan, so I kind of enjoyed seeing this and maybe it only ought to stay for fans of Bruno. Hawk got terrible reviews on its release and it won for a sackful of Razzies in 1992. You could do way worse when it comes to screwball comedies though. And I think that's part of the marketing problem, which Wikipedia confirmed for me. You'd think they'red be more action based on the trailer, but it's more along the lines of Stallone's '90s screwball comedy Oscar or something, with action bits. David Caruso was pretty funny-though-bordering-on-annoying in his non-speaking role which ends with him painted up as a statue and then being crossbowed. And Andie MacDowell is cute as a button as always. But ultimately, if you just want to see Willis blow some stuff up, just watch Die Hard again. I assume all of you own it, and if not delete me from your memory banks, you're dead to me.
Man I want that baseball cap!
I think Willis and crew expected this to be a big hit though; there was a video game and the soundtrack features two duets from Willis and Aiello performing their heist tunes. There was a pretty heavy marketing campaign for it as well, and I'm sure if you've never seen the movie, you've at least heard of it. Well now you have. And you can hear the duets, including the whole soundtrack below. And if you're feeling especially saucy this weekend, you can grab the Gameboy rom also.
Die Hard changed everything. EVERYTHING. Not only in the action film world, but in my brain as well. The series is one of my all-time favorites, but when the first one came out in 1988 and gave the world a vulnerable, human, fighting-for-what's-right hero that had little in common with the blow-em-up mega soldiers of years before. Unlike Arnold whose every bullet hit an enemy or something that can explode, John McClane had wits, little firepower and even less shoes. He made action relatable in a way few films could before it. So naturally, every studio wanted a guy in a tight scenario action movie: Under Siege, Speed, Passenger 57...The Taking of Beverly Hills.
I remember seeing this trailer as a kid on the pay-per-view trailers channel thinking it looked sooooooo bad ass. Boomer Hayes was THE MAN! Fast forward about twenty years to my actual viewing of the movie and my initial thought was...I'VE SEEN JOHN MCCLANE, JOHN MCCLANE WAS A FRIEND OF MINE, AND YOU SIR ARE NO JOHN MCCLANE! This movie is a complete stinker, shocking, I know. Examine my enhanced version of the imdb plot with your eyeballs below:
A chemical spill has caused the occupants of Beverly Hills to be forcibly evacuated. A retiring football player left behind in a hot tub after trying score some booty, finds that the toxic gas emulating from the spill is a bogus front for a heist set up by fired police officers out to plunder the city of all its valuables. He finds himself siding with a corrupt cop who was once apart of the plan until he discovered the city's mayor had just been blown away by one of the chief crooks in charge. Now both are on the run with no help in sight...both must do whatever they can to stop these murderous looters, including using tanks and homemade bombs and stuff.
Director Sidney J. Furie, the brains behind Superman IV and Ladybugs among others, leads a mostly sincere effort, but it really pales next to what it tries to be. I mean, this is a pure stinker, it's like Die Hard was put in a blender with the Pro Bowl, Bravo, and a bad sitcom. I think it might have even been written as a sequel to Die Hard, McClane now out in LA has to stop local terrorists from robbing the hell out of an entire town. I enjoyed it when they did that for Die Hard 3 after all. I you've ever read this site before, you must be thinking "what the hell, Marshall, you love everything that sucks, how can you be showing some sense of taste now by dismissing The Taking of Beverly Hills?" Well my little chickadees, to you I would say, back up out of face, homeboy! Admittedly, I did kind of enjoy this, but seriously, if I wanted to watch Die Hard, that's what I'd do. It's just so much better.
Funny enough though, I think everyone expected this to be a huge success; it starred Ken Wahl from the Wiseguy TV show, it was based on a recently successful formula and they even optioned a video game version. Yet it grossed just under a measly million buckaroos. The game looks worse than the movie, just look at this crap.
ET may have caused the video game crash of 1983, but ten years later Cliffhanger caused me to have acid reflux. I know this is somewhat off topic, but with the "reboot" ahead and my awkward appreciation for most things '90s Stallone (yes, including Oscar), I felt it appropriate to give you guys acid reflux also.
First of all, WTF, how come no one told me about this game before today? It may completely suck, but I would have loved this in the 8th grade. That be may saying more about me as an 8th grader than anything. Movie tie-in games generally do tend to, let's face it, suck. And while we won't be breaking any news on a 15-year old game here—Cliffhanger was awarded worst game of 1994 from EGM—we can bring this little stinker back to the surface for some air before we drown it again. I love how they picked the LEAST actiony shot of Stallone for the cover. He may as well be sipping a cup of coffee as he dangles there.
What's worse than the worst game of 1994? The Gameboy version, that's what.
If you're a glutton for punishment, grab a copy for the platform of your choice on ebay, or snag a rom online.
To make it up to you, enjoy these Cliffhanger goodies, including the epic Trevor Jones score, found at the apparently defunct Scores of Scores.
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