6/15/13

Splash, Too (1988)



I know what you're gonna say. "You think you can just walk back into my life, after the way you just disappeared, no calls, no letters, nothing?!" Well, yeah, I mean, I was going through some stuff, had to clear my head, needed some time alone. But I'm back! And I brought you something! "You brought me this piece of crap TV movie? Not even a straight to VHS gem or anything?" No, but...I...it's...the sequel to your favorite Tom Hanks movie..."WHAT A TOONER & HOOCH 2?!" .....

Ok so, no, but they did make a Splash, Too. So if you recall, at the end of Splash, Tom Hanks and Darryl Hannah are swimming to an underwater kingdom, and Hanx was told he can never return to New York once they go there. So while you'd expect this would start with them in said underwater kingdom, it opens with them on a desert island. Apparently they've been living isolated and alone on this island together, not underwater in a merkingdom. AND now Madison, played by Amy Yasbeck has magic powers to turn any water surface into a crystal ball-type pool where you can see what's happening anywhere in the world. Andy, played by Todd Waring is homesick and even though he was told he can NEVER return to New York, apparently they can. So they go back.



This whole movie is a terrible set up to what one presumes would have been an I Dream of Jeanie type TV show, because that's what it feels like. It's got horrible jokes, a wacky neighbor and the terrible premise of Andy needing to help his brother save his business and Madison finding purpose by trying to save a dolphin that's being experimented on. And this being the pre-big budget TV days you can't expect much in the way of effects.

I've already said more about this than it deserves, unfortunately. I mean, it's kind of "cute" in a way, but ultimately it's just plain dumb. It's boooooring. It's barely watchable, but if in a pinch (however that would happen) you could make it out of this sane. 

3/14/12

Computer Beach Party (1987)


2/26/12

Die Hard: The Musical

Have I mentioned that I'm a Die Hard fan? No? That's weird, well I am. And also actors making music. So when I caught wind of this, I had to share.

Our very own Special Agent Johnson has an album of Sinatra standards, just released this past fall. Robert Davi, whom you may know better from Maniac Cop 2 & 3, The Taking of Beverly Hills, The Goonies and/or Predator 2, is also apparently a student of the great American Songboook. I just happened to be cruising iTunes radio stations when I caught a bit of a program that was mentioning his album and had clips of interviews and a handful of tracks from his album. I was surprised, dude has pipes. Check out this great interview promo clip where he also discusses his first viewing of Die Hard with Arnold Schwarzenegger:




If you're interested, you can pick up his album, Davi Sings Sinatra: On the Road to Romance on Amazon.

Trivia: Davi's first film was with Sinatra, Contract on Cherry Street.

So this news got naturally got me thinking about Die Hard and Bruce Willis also released an album of blues songs back in the '80s, called The Return of Bruno. I'm not really sure who in his circle encouraged him to go forward with that particular project, but he followed it with 2 other albums in '89 and '99 respectively that I haven't heard. But one thing you might not know is that Bruno was accompanied by a kind of ridiculous HBO special of the same name. Now I mean, I'm a Bruce Willis fan, he's the only reason I would check out the new G.I. Joe movie, but his singing is just kind of average I guess. The special, however, totally sells it:



You can get the special on lovely lovely VHS for only $20 at Amazon!. I would put a download of the album/special on here, but now I'm all paranoid with the recent squashing of such activities. I'm sure with a little sleuthing you all can find them as well.




And possibly more familiar is Alan Rickman's (aka HANS GRUBER) singing role in Sweeney Todd, as Judge Turpin.


So all of this is to get to the point that I would like to propose, Die Hard: The Musical. How terrible/awesome would that be?! Actually, instead of all the endless stream of crime dramas premiering every year on network television, I wish someone would do a Die Hard show with a young McClane fresh on the force. That would be cool too. Actually anything more Die Hard. Die Hard. Yes.

2/20/12

The Dead (2010)


At this point in the game, I think it’s safe to say that zombie fiction, be it books, movies, or comics, is the new ‘thing’. The niche once occupied by teen vampire fiction is now almost solely filled with tales of the undead. The clever and well-written Zombie Survival Guide has spawned dozens of copycat attempts at cashing in on America’s obsession with zombies. The Walking Dead is breaking cable TV records left and right, and there’s at least three cars in the parking lot of my college library with bumper stickers reading ‘I Heart Brains’. Everybody loves zombies.

That being said, I’m skeptical of any zombie movie that comes out these days. I think the last new one I watched was Undead and to say I was disappointed is an understatement. I simply don’t trust anything coming from a genre that is fueled by people trying to make money off of a popular idea. It doesn’t make for good art.

I first read about the Ford Brothers’ zombie film The Dead in an issue of Famous Monsters in which the makeup artist was being interviewed, and I admit at that point I was mildly intrigued. The zombie design was traditional yet innovative: fresh wounds, whiteout contact lenses, bloodied clothing, etc. Nothing new or amazing but just enough pizazz to stick out from the pack. Flash forward two years, and I grab a copy at Target last week. Why the hell not, right?

The Dead takes place in sub-Saharan Africa just after a Romero style zombie apocalypse. We are treated to brief shots of zombie induced mayhem as the undead hordes lay siege to an African village: shambling wrecks of human beings attacking and eating their kin, things being set on fire, guns going off as inept military personnel try to contain this horrific outbreak. The main character is an American military operative named Murphy who catches the last plane out of the area. Unfortunately, the plane crashes and now he has to make it out on foot. He joins up with a stoic African soldier named Dembele who is trying to get to a military base ‘up North’ to find his son. The film follows them as they make their way through a countryside turned on it’s head by the zombie outbreak.

If this film has a fault, it’s that it is almost too ambitious. Now, I’ll take ‘too ambitious’ over lazy film making any day of the week. The problem is that I think the Ford brothers lack the filmmaking experience to create the film they intend to. Attempts at creative cinematography, while appreciated, just come off as forced and quasi-pretensious. The storyline about Dembele’s son and Murphy's family 'back home', while trying to inject a sense of humanity into the story, just fall into almost corny territory and is distracting from the horror of the situation their in. And the ending, while meaning to be Romero-ly ambiguous, is just confusing and rushed.

That being said, this was a good film. The gore was tasteful and well-executed, with actual prosthetics being used most of the time instead of throwing buckets of CGI blood left and right. Also, the violence was contained and not everywhere for violence’s sake. Storyline was not sacrificed for gore and a high body count. Yes, there were scenes of gratuitious violence. But it was necessary for the story and not just thrown in for a gross out factor. Not all of the camerawork was hokey and dreadfully serious; at times it created a sense of aching isolation and vastness. The nighttime shots of the savannah were particularly striking, especially with a peppering of zombies wandering about in the sunset. The dialogue was sparse and realistic in the sense that you felt you were watching how two military men would actually act in the situation. No jabbering on about bullshit, no tough guy antics about getting the job done. Just two guys trying to get something done. The utilitarian and grim aspects of surviving are examined in a detail I haven't seen in a zombie movie before. At one point, the radiator of their car gives up it's ghost in the middle of the savannah, and they are forced to choose between having drinking water and continuing on foot through the desert or using that water to fill the radiator and driving for who knows how long without water. Hastening their decision is the fact that a couple dozens zombies are steadily making their way to them. It's the little things, folks.

And most of all, this film was scary. The zombies didn’t run, or shriek, or commit any of the other sins dozens of horror films are guilty of. They just shambled about silently, dead eyes fixed off in the distance, wandering about until some poor bastard gained their attention. Any time they came wandering out of the bush at night was creepy as fuck, and the scenes of them silhouetted against the sky at sunset was genuinely eerie.

I’d give this film a B-. In a world awash with counterfeit bullshit, this is a refreshing look at what a zombie movie ought to be: a stark and minimal look at a world cast into madness and our attempts at survival in said world.

1/25/12

Iron Sky (Trailer)


Iron Sky is billed as the best motherf*cking movie about Space Nazis from the dark side of the Moon you’re likely to see.

1/5/12

Ridiculous French TV Interview with Rambo Look-alike

Dangerous Minds:
"Here’s an extremely amusing interview with “Rambo” look-alike Wayne Scott on a French TV news show filmed some time in the 80s. There’s even a pretty terrific dance routine towards the end."
Watch it all the way through, you'll thank me and thank yourself.