The Human Caterpillar

Camp Movie Camp contributor Justin received this text message from his mother. It is quite possibly the best thing anyone has ever texted to anyone ever.

Monsturd (2003)

"Don't get caught with your pants down!"

As soon as I started this I knew I was going to be very angry with myself (which is why I'm drinking) or really happy with myself (which is ALSO why I'm drinking).

Turns out I am really happy with myself... and kind of drunk!

If you couldn't tell this is just a big low budget poop joke. Everything I could have ever wished for!

And guess what... It's actually kinda funny!

Yes, the plot is dumb. Yes, some of the acting is amateur-ish. Yes, it's a movie about poop... but there is something really fun about this. It's a total gross out flick with a ton of legitimately funny, well done dick/fart/poop humor. Reminds me a lot of a Troma flick.

Only gripe I have is how similar it is in plot to Jack Frost... you know... but... with POOP.

To sum it up... If you are on this site you probably like this sort of thing. It's pretty fun but ultimately poopy (see what I did there). I suggest you watch it... or don't... what do I look like your mother. Don't judge me... leave me alone.

Frozen (2010)

This movie starts in typical B-movie fashion. Even my wife and friend commented on this. They generally don't like these types of films, so you know, take that with a grain of salt. Then oddly we all saw a turn. I knew how this movie was going to play out. Open Water on a ski lift. Which oddly enough... turned me off to seeing this film a year ago. Boy, was I wrong. This movie was awesome. Seriously!

I don't want to give away anything because its newer-ISH.

BUT... IT'S SERIOUSLY GOOD!

I also must add that watching this movie with my wife and her friend has added to the experience. Bunch of wusses.

Also Kevin Tong made an amazing poster for Alamo Drafthouse for this film:

Trailer: Ticked-Off Trannies With Knives (2010)

The title says it all...and so does the narrator. Genius!

Ticked-Off Trannies With Knives hits theaters on Halloween.

Camp Wrestling Camp Part 3

In the last wrestling post I mentioned the Macho Man's rap album, remember? Well in case you didn't have the get-up-and-go to investigate the matter for yourself, that's what we're doing today.

But let me back up a second and discuss the much beloved Hulk Hogan (and his Wrestling Boot Band) album from 1995, pre-Hollywood Hulk Hogan days. It's a weirdo mix and mash of genres, ranging from ballads to rap to pop. The album was produced by, and also features vocals from, The Mouth of the South Jimmy Hart, who before getting involved the with the WWF, was known from his work in '60s group The Gentrys, who generally just teetered outside the top 40, but did have one hit with "Keep on Dancing."

Anyways, this album here is RIDICULOUS. I'm not sure why Hulk did this, especially in 1995. I'm sure if he did an album between 1983 and 1987, I would have listened to it everyday for a good mental pump up as a kid, but alas, we instead get the Hogan on the decline and I'm not sure what to make of it. It's funny of course, but in no way pumps me up mentally or emotionally to get through the day.

Hulk Hogan - Hulk Rules

The Macho Man counters with a much more out-of-his-prime move and released this album in 2003! 2003!!!!!!!! His wrestling career was all but wrapped up by that point, so he decided he needed to release a RAP album, and even includes a diss track at Hogan, who had also pretty much retired at this point. I don't think they were even wrestling in the same league or anything. I'm not positive on that, but two aging wrestlers throwing diss tracks at each would be pretty funny to hear on a regular basis.

Macho Man - Be a Man

Of the two, Hogan's more listenable for its kitsch value, and it's not harsh on the ears. Savage does the whole album is his coarse tone and it's def not fun to listen to repeatedly. "I Want to be a Hulkamaniac," "Hulkster in Heaven" and "Be a Man" are instant camp classics, but they're all ridiculous, ha!

What's especially funny is back in the mid '90s I saw both Hogan and Macho Man at Clearwater Beach, FL during the height of their feuds I think. They were chilling in a parking lot, buddying around and signing autographs, there for a pre-olympic beach volleyball qualifying match. Very funny to see those guys out of the ring.

Camp Wrestling Camp Part 2

I think worse than actors turned musician is athlete turned actor. No, don't argue with me on this point! Unless you are arguing that athlete turned musician is worse, then yes, you win that argument (have you heard the Macho man's rap album by the way?) But anyways, let's stick to the issue at hand. Wrestlers have a great knack for performing in the ring, but when it comes to celluloid, well, I can't always say the same. Now, this all being said, some of these wrestlers below I hold near and dear, but I know full well that they suck at acting.

Hulk Hogan


The Rock


Rowdy Roddy Piper


John Cena


Goldberg

Ok so I actually do kind of like the Rock, despite his questionable film choices. And I kind of loved 12 Rounds, sue me. I'm drawing a blank on whatever other wrestlers have done movies, did Stone Cold Steve Austin make one? I know Captain Lou Albano was Super Mario. I'm too lazy to look up more right now, but post others in the comments! We'll put them up for a part 5. Parts 3 & 4 are reserved right now!

Young MacGyver (2003)

YES this is real. And YES it is terrible. Firstly, if you're a fan of the original series, you'd know that MacGyver was an only child, so the fact that this series stars his nephew is a bit odd. Why wouldn't they just run with the fact that Mac had a kid in the series?!

This planned WB series never got beyond filming the 2003 pilot, and in fact it never actually aired. The show takes more from the MacGyver pilot than the series in that it's way more about espionage and spies and stuff, and less about Mac getting out of precarious situations with every day bad dudes. Young MacGyver, Clay, played by Jared Paledecki works for his uncle's previous employer, the Phoenix Foundation doing whatever it is they actually do. But unlike his uncle, young Clay is know for his brash and devil-may-care attitude that seems everyone hates. The only thing that keeps him around is the fact that he's Richard Dean Anderson's nephew.

The whole plot is beyond ridiculous, but I must admit that the idea of new MacGyver-esque show appeals to me. I just wish they would make it not stupid. SEE BELOW FOR STUPIDS:

The rest of the show is available via that video's page if you're interested in being upset. But if you're interested in being amazed, see below:

Hanger (2009)

Well I started to watch this based on Netflix's description and that I had heard good things about Gutterballs, also by Ryan Nicholson. My thought was, I just reviewed Sewage Baby and thought this would be a good follow up, read for yourself:

Savage exploitation film that follows the vengeance-fueled rampage of Hanger (Nathan Dashwood), the now-grown survivor of a bungled back-alley abortion who returns to punish a pimp for forcing his mother into the procedure. As Hanger gets a taste for blood, his revenge spills over to the street's other depraved bottom-feeders.

Well this was nothing like I had imagined, and I guess I'm not as tough stomached as I thought. Well honestly, it's not the gore in Hanger, just the depraved characters and morals and twisted relationships between said people. My stomach was turning at the thought about these characters possibly existing in the world. I know there are plenty of effed up sorts out there, but I dunno, these people just gross me out. And hanger isn't the worst of them, he's almost a by product of hanging out with these people, not him self-motivated for revenge.

Anyways, the story didn't even go for the revenge crazed rampage I imagined, and didn't give me any satisfaction upon ending. It was gory but also slow and boring kinda, it actually took me THREE DAYS to muster up the guster to finish it. I wish I had just left it after day 1 and forgotten about it. It just gave me a numb feeling. I guess I just thought it might get better. Two most upsetting scenes: 1) The hanger abortion 2) The dude having sex with Hanger's weird puss-filled open wound. I mean, just WHY?!

No screens for this, but check out the trailer below.

I rate this 1 out of 5 abortions. Is that a messed up scale?

MUST WATCH: Machete Red Band Trailer + Video Interview

Ever since it debuted as a fake trailer in front of 2006's Grindhouse, I have been waiting for Machete to become the full-length beast that it was meant to be. Now Robert Rodriguez continues the tease as we head toward the official release on, fittingly enough, this coming Labor Day weekend. Check out this insanely rad red band trailer. Oh. my. fucking. GOD:



Also, take a look at this video interview from Wired with star Danny Trejo and director Rodriguez, as they talk about the film and assure us that EVERYTHING in the original fake trailer will be in the full-lenth. And, god-dammit, I want his T-shirt!



September 3rd can't come soon enough!

Wu-Tang Clan's RZA Finally Makes a Kung-Fu Movie

And it looks pretty awesome! Watch the trailer above and get the deets below:

"Wu-Tang Clan producer, occasional film composer and once-in-a-while actor RZA has spent years working on his kung-fu movie debut, Wu-Tang Vs. The Golden Phoenix. The Shaw Brothers and other kung-fu influences that have flavored his music since the debut of the Wu-Tang Clan have been poured into this film, which looks like an orgy of crazy fights, off-kilter film stock and intentionally overcooked dubbing..."

"...There’s no planned release date for the film, either theatrically or on DVD. But it’s not a total tease: RZA has a deal to make The Man With the Iron Fists at Universal, with Eli Roth co-writing and producing. The $20m film will star RZA as 'the title character, a blacksmith who forges weapons for the inhabitants of a village in feudal China. They are forced to defend themselves, and before you know it, everybody is kung fu fighting.'" (via /Film)

Everyone, Stop What You Are Doing and Watch The Trailer For Sean Connery's Comeback Movie "Sir Billi"

Great job, Sir Sean!

Rubber Teaser Trailer

How ridiculous(ly awesome) does this look? Are we crazy in thinking so? No you're crazy!

via /film

160 Greatest Arnold Schwarzenegger Quotes

"I am not shitting on you"

Black Maria Film Festival 2010

The Black Maria Film Festival plays in Savannah this friday as part of its 2010 tour. Unlike most film festivals, it tours the country exhibiting a selection of its titles from all over the world. It's crazy stuff too, being it's an experimental film festival.

After Stan Brakhage passed away, Black Maria showed a short collection of his work, which my first introduction to his work. I know this isn't like the stuff we usually cover here, but I wanted to recommend catching the festival if comes through your town.

And if you haven't seen any of Stan Brakhage's work before, check out "Black Ice" below. Like most "art," it's definitely not for everyone.

Silver Screen to Small Stinky Screen

People will often say Hollywood is hard up for ideas with all the remakes and unnecessary sequels/prequels/reboots but one could definitely argue that television has had a rougher go of it. There are enough crappy shows out there that producers will want a sure thing, "Hey! That movie was good! Let's make a it show! Yay!" There have been some successes for sure, biggies like MASH, Buffy, Stargate, The Odd Couple, Young Indiana Jones was even a decent show. I think some people even like the Terminator Sarah Connor show. There have a been a ton really. But check out this small sampling of ridiculous and short lived small screen spin offs, some of which i admittedly tuned in for...

Timecop (1997)



Uncle Buck (1990)



Delta House (Animal House) (1979)



Honey I Shrunk the Kids (1997)



Harry and the Hendersons (1991)



Tremors (2003)



Ferris Bueller (1990)



Robocop (1994)



Police Academy (1997)



Blade (2007)

Here's a great glimpse into 15 TV shows that almost were, including The Jerk, Revenge of the Nerds, Fargo and Driving Miss Daisy!

Revenge of the Nerds Pilot

And yes, there was even a Poltergeist tv series.

WTF Comcast?

As I have often pondered the question, "Who writes this crap?!" while perusing the Comcast On Demand selection, I was stoked to find, WTF Comcast! Nice one!

via Coudal via Slashfilm

Santa's Slay (2005)

Ok, well, I wasn't expecting much from Goldberg or this movie in general; the horrid DVD cover has turned me off for years. I mean, look at it. Does that look good to you? No! But Santa's Slay is awesome! Surprisingly enough, I was entertained the whole way through this ridiculous killer Santa flick with it's Arnold-worthy one liners and unexpected cameo-filled opener. It goes like this, Santa is really a pissed off demon because he lost a bet during a curling match. The loss means he has to give out toys and good cheer for 1000 years. Now that the bet is complete, Santa's on a rampage. For some reason my wife thought this movie sucked.



It's funny that Santa is played by Goldberg, who is Jewish. And we also see a pre-Lost Emilie de Ravin in a starring role. Grab some strong egg nog, some friends and throw this one on while trimming the tree. Bonuses include: curling, bison, biker santa, strippers, angels, demons and Goldberg's wrestling moves on display. Big bonus, also stars Robert Culp from "Greatest American Hero!"

Get Santa's Slay from Amazon!

Sand Serpents (2009) / Tremors (1990)

Rooftops star Jason Gedrick picks up where Michael Gross left off in Tremors apparently. Maybe his fight dancing skills will be put to better use here. Not sure about seeing this one.

Though I am excited about the new Tremors movie due out with the best title yet, Tremors V: the Thunder from Down Under!

And since this post would be totally lame other wise (no guarantees though) here's the promo score to the original tremors, one of the best monster revival films out there!

Ernest Toost - Tremors Score

Ok one more thing, a tribute to Burt Gummer!

Exploding Heads: Not for the faint of heart!

Ok guys. This post is gore galore. It's one of those things that never gets old in a good gory horror movie, but I hope to never see again. The exploding head! Watch these clips if you dare, they're graphic!

Chopping Mall (1986)



Maniac (1980)



Scanners (1981)



Deadly Friend (1986)



The Borrower (1991)



Final Destination 3 (2006)



Dawn of the Dead (1978)



The Fury (1978)

Trick 'r Treat (2008)

My only problem with this movie is that it isn't longer! OH! and the fact that this wasn't given a proper release!

But, guess what... Saw 84 has already been green-lit!

Directed by Michael Dougherty (Superman Returns, Urban Legends) I can't help but wonder how someone with such mediocre films under his belt creates this kind of brilliance...

When a movie of this caliber goes straight to DVD we as movie fans should probably do something about it. This includes rioting, pillaging, excessive drinking, and maybe even smashing a few mailboxes.

I mean... even Kanye gets it... and he's a douche.


If you live in philly the Trocadero is showing Trick 'r Treat tomorrow night (Monday October 12th) Most, if not all of the CMC crew will be there... and it should be a good time. Info here!

Buy it!
Rent it!