Lock Up (1989)

"Convict, two things. 1) I am Meissner. 2) Never fuck with Meissner."

It's overstatement to say that we love campy films at camp movie camp, that's for sure. And few actors can so capably make camp like Stallone, and while he's definitely had his share of critical successes, for me, it's everything else that shines.

This movie blows. But goddamn I had a great time watching Stallone mumble his way through prison. I imagine that Sly got ahold of Stephen king's Shawshank Redemption and thought to himself, "HUmmpaa Unnh Where da testosteronie, yo??" And so it came to pass. This movie is all Stallone loving how macho he is by exploding things or saving people from ridiculous situations like being trapped in a tunnel or being revived to stop Wesley Snipes, and that's the reason we all love him. If we didn't people wouldn't have been all chubbed up over The Expendables. I haven't seen that yet, don't spoil it for me. But seriously, pretty much all of his movies are him UHHHHHHHH I GOTTA DOOO IT EVEN DOH I GOT PRUBLEMS, EHHH OHH! I DIDDD IT!

So in case you don't know either films (Lock Up or Shank), in a tiny nutshell: good dude goes to prison where there is a terrible warden and guards who torture him. He makes friends and takes on the mentoring role for a young, misguided inmate who is then killed. And then prisoner good dude resolves to get out and get even. He does. The end. Yo.

Admittedly, this film isn't so fresh in my memory, as I had watched it with the intent to post waaaay back in September. So if you find my nutshell displeasing, then mosey your eyes over to Netflix and get some machismo.

And if you're the sort likes to listen to to macho movie scores, then here's Bill Conti's score for Lock Up, imagine that.


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