The Barbarians (part 2): Barbarian Queen 1 & 2

Let me get two things out of the way immediately. First, Barbarian Queen sucks. Second, Barbarian Queen II sucks. I hope I haven't offended any prepubescent genre lovers out there, but there is little to find of worth in this pairing. They are however, completely hilarious. One of the only redeeming parts is the endearing performances by the late Lana Clarkson, yes the Lana Clarkson that Phil Spector murdered. She stars in both, though she plays different characters in each, and neither are related in any way unless you count Clarkson, swords, boobs and Clarkson's sword wielding boobs. It may be the downer of knowing her fate that make's these hard to watch because she's so young and anxious looking here. It's unfortunate her career never took off, though her acting isn't the best truthfully, she really is the best thing about the movies.

screen from mcbeardo.com

The second best thing about them are the quotables, for just one example, "My stomach...it feels like there's bears in it." Typing it now doesn't do it justice, context is key I guess. Ok, plots in 20 seconds: First Clarkson's sister is kidnapped by horny Roman dudes, she fights back! Second time around Clarkson's emperor dad dies and evil dudes wanna take his magic sceptre, she fights back!

I think, if you were to hold my feet over a vat of boiling pig fat (or you were flickchart) and make me choose a favorite of the two, I'd have to go with part 2, if only for the more hilarious plot involving the magic sceptre and prissy young princess who, via magic and wishing, ages to be a woman and is then killed by her father. Oh, spoiler alert.

Here's a funny clip

All this being said, as I usually do, I recommend these as a double feature at least one viewing. Get some friends, some booze, and a sense of humor, and you'll be a-okay. And the posters are amazing, everyone remember Boris Vallejo? He lives in Allentown! Who knew?

Buy Both Barbarian Queen 1 & 2 as a double feature


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