Battle of the Bat-Shit Crazies: Mel Gibson vs. Charlie Sheen vs. Christian Bale

Yep, it's the video you have been waiting for. Well done, Filmdrunk!

Picture of the Day: Where is John Connor?

Can you guess who his one follower is? Click here for the answer.

PINK ARMADILLO ATTACK!

The Taking of Beverly Hills (1991)

Die Hard changed everything. EVERYTHING. Not only in the action film world, but in my brain as well. The series is one of my all-time favorites, but when the first one came out in 1988 and gave the world a vulnerable, human, fighting-for-what's-right hero that had little in common with the blow-em-up mega soldiers of years before. Unlike Arnold whose every bullet hit an enemy or something that can explode, John McClane had wits, little firepower and even less shoes. He made action relatable in a way few films could before it. So naturally, every studio wanted a guy in a tight scenario action movie: Under Siege, Speed, Passenger 57...The Taking of Beverly Hills.

I remember seeing this trailer as a kid on the pay-per-view trailers channel thinking it looked sooooooo bad ass. Boomer Hayes was THE MAN! Fast forward about twenty years to my actual viewing of the movie and my initial thought was...I'VE SEEN JOHN MCCLANE, JOHN MCCLANE WAS A FRIEND OF MINE, AND YOU SIR ARE NO JOHN MCCLANE! This movie is a complete stinker, shocking, I know. Examine my enhanced version of the imdb plot with your eyeballs below:

A chemical spill has caused the occupants of Beverly Hills to be forcibly evacuated. A retiring football player left behind in a hot tub after trying score some booty, finds that the toxic gas emulating from the spill is a bogus front for a heist set up by fired police officers out to plunder the city of all its valuables. He finds himself siding with a corrupt cop who was once apart of the plan until he discovered the city's mayor had just been blown away by one of the chief crooks in charge. Now both are on the run with no help in sight...both must do whatever they can to stop these murderous looters, including using tanks and homemade bombs and stuff.




Director Sidney J. Furie, the brains behind Superman IV and Ladybugs among others, leads a mostly sincere effort, but it really pales next to what it tries to be. I mean, this is a pure stinker, it's like Die Hard was put in a blender with the Pro Bowl, Bravo, and a bad sitcom. I think it might have even been written as a sequel to Die Hard, McClane now out in LA has to stop local terrorists from robbing the hell out of an entire town. I enjoyed it when they did that for Die Hard 3 after all. I you've ever read this site before, you must be thinking "what the hell, Marshall, you love everything that sucks, how can you be showing some sense of taste now by dismissing The Taking of Beverly Hills?" Well my little chickadees, to you I would say, back up out of face, homeboy! Admittedly, I did kind of enjoy this, but seriously, if I wanted to watch Die Hard, that's what I'd do. It's just so much better.

Funny enough though, I think everyone expected this to be a huge success; it starred Ken Wahl from the Wiseguy TV show, it was based on a recently successful formula and they even optioned a video game version. Yet it grossed just under a measly million buckaroos. The game looks worse than the movie, just look at this crap.

But if you'd like, it's free to download as abandonware.

Then and Now

Child actors all grown up. Some campy and some not. I'll keep adding to this list if you suggest it.

Alex Vincent - Child's Play:

Ariana Richards & Joseph Mazello - Jurassic Park:
Brian Bonsall - Blank Check:

Carrie Henn - Aliens:
Cary Guffey - Close Encounters of the Third Kind:

Danny Cooksey - Salute Your Shorts/Terminator 2:

Danny Lloyd - The Shining:
Daveigh Chase - The Ring:

Elijah Wood - Back to the Future 2:
Felissa Rose - Sleepaway Camp:
Harvey Stephens - The Omen:

Ivyann Schwann - Problem Child 2:

Jason James Richter - Free Willy:

John Lipnicki - Jerry Macguire:

Joshua Miller - Near Dark:

Lisa & Louis Burns - The Shining:

Michael Oliver - Problem Child:

Miko Hughes - Pet SemataryNoah Hathaway & Barret Oliver - The Never Ending Story:

Patty McCormack - The Bad Seed:

Peter Billingsley - A Christmas Story:

Peter Ostrum - Charlie and the Chocolate factory:

Stephen Dorff - The Gate:

Veronica Cartwright - The Birds:
Will & Hank Deutschendorf - Ghostbusters 2:

Funny Deleted Scene From Terminator 2: "Learning to Smile"

I caught this, and some other cool scenes, while watching the uncut version of Terminator 2 today. This one made me crack up.

This Rules.

Commando: explained by Alex.

Video and Film Logo Montages From the '70s and '80s!

Check out these rad video montages of old film and video IDs and logos. They just don't make them like they used to. (via)

The Deadly Spawn (1983)

As you can see just one movie poster for this review wasn’t enough. If I could, I’d post EVERY movie poster I could find. Hell, maybe I did post every movie poster I could get my hands on. And why? Cause this movie is seriously awesome.

First I must say it's been on my “white whale” list for some time. I had it on my Amazon wishlist and would keep an eye out for it at flea markets before finally snagging a copy at Barnes & Noble, and I was not disappointed. I don’t know why exactly I had this movie on my list of things to get. Maybe it’s a weakness for monsters from space movies. Maybe it’s the vaguely Cronenbergian image of a human torso sort of growing out of whatever those things are. For some reason I think I may have seen this when I was really young, and maybe that’s why I wanted to own it the moment it popped up in my recommendations on Amazon. But it’s not really important why I wanted this movie. What is important is that it was there, and when I finally saw it, it was well worth it. Definitely made it into my top ten sci fi movies of all time, and for so many reasons.

The plot is simple and reliable: think such classics as The Blob, Night Of The Creeps, and Little Shop Of Horrors. Meteor lands in the woods, luckless camper goes to investigate, ends up first meal for something at first only revealed in silhouette, and it only goes uphill from there. The titular creatures go on a snacking spree, taking shelter in the basement of a house and eating everyone and –thing that comes within tentacles reach. In classic B-movie fashion, the burden of confronting and destroying the monster(s) falls on the shoulders of a young horror movie enthusiast who begins to suspect something terribly wrong is going on in the basement, and he enlists the help of some friends to stop the spawn before they reproduce and eat everything. Things go wrong, the monster stalks them throughout the house, and there is a final confrontation in which the beast is bested…or is it?

This movie is everything ‘80s horror should be and then some. It hits all the right spots for a good horror flick and suffers from none of the weaknesses and excesses that films from that era suffer from. There is no hot girl with her breasts all over the place for sex appeal. No pointless underage drinking. The Deadly Spawn doesn’t need that to be good. It confronts the viewer on fair ground and doesn’t use any dirty tricks such as the previously mentioned booze and breasts to get the job done. It harkens back to the golden age of B-movie monster flicks, a more innocent time for movies, but with a slightly serious undertone that transcends the hokey thrills of ‘50s movies and edges into something genuinely creepy. The idea of something coming from space and devouring people had even almost thirty years ago been beaten into the ground, and yet the imagery presented of some hungry and mindless thing dropping out of the sky and eating everything is utterly horrifying. The whole movie takes place largely within in a house, and this confined setting lends the film a suffocating and claustrophobic feel that is honestly frightening, something few films from this era can pull of without relying on a ton of gore. To be fair, The Deadly Spawn has it’s fair share of gore, but it’s not gore for the sake of gore; instead, it is only used because it is essentially to the story, and even then it is tasteful and within reason (well…as tasteful and within reason that such a film can be). It uses horrific imagery and creepy atmospherics to get the job done. The early basement scenes in particular are especially eerie, where a plumber is devoured in darkness by the creatures, and done so in a nearly nightmarish way. The use of shadow, whether done for budget purposes or deliberately for stylistic reasons is effective in creating a feeling of unease and uncertainty. Also worthy of mention is the scene where the monster bursts into the main characters bedrooms, an unnerving contrast from the dark and dimly lit basement where most of the scenes involving it had taken place in up until then. And, while we all know what the monster looks like seeing as it IS displayed prominently on the cover of the DVD and the movie posters (think Audrey II from the ‘80s version of Little Shop of Horrors and a tumor having a child) the first time you actually see it in the basement in the movie is rather striking. The monster effects are a bit goofy but still effective, cheesy but just convincing enough to be creepy. I wish they still made monster movies with effects like this, instead of hiring some goof on a computer to punch in the image in post-production. And as a vegan can I forget the amazing vegetarian lunch held by a group of old women that is interrupted by the creatures who end up being part of the lunch? Classic!!!

I can sum up this review in one simple phrase: buy this movie. Buy it now. It’s a ton of fun, and it packs a real punch in the creep department. It stand up there with movies like Killer Klowns From Outer Space and Night Of The Creeps when it comes to nostagliac sci fi/horror that is dripping with schlock but still has the power to be a really, really quality movie. This isn’t just another goofy ‘80s movie to watch with your friends and make fun of. It’s not so bad it’s good. It’s just good for what it is and nothing else. So please…do yourself a favor and check this out. You can thank me later. Anyway you want. Yes…even that way. Especially that way.

From a Whisper to a Scream aka The Offspring (1987)

"It'll take two men and a young gorilla to satisfy that!" Horror anthologies get it wrong so much of the time, it's real fun to see one get it right. And how come we don't get comedy anthologies? Or like, action anthologies? Would be sweet. Make it so.

So From a Whisper to a Scream kicks it off with a bit o' Vincent Price-ism to frame the stories of an evil-spirited town, Oldfield, Tennessee. The stories are pretty fun, and get more gory as they go. Spoilers within. Kick it Vince.

Sho' nuff.

The first story is a pretty weird/effed up story of Stanley, a murdering, sister sexing, mutant baby fathering dweeb. It's campy, but not in the ways junk like The Willies or Nightmares is; it's genuinely a sleazy junky story. I wish we had more of a finale, but I'll take a mutant baby when I can, no questions asked. This stars the funtimes man Clu Galager from Return of the Living Dead. He's pretty great as Stanley, I'd take a whole movie of that character.





Jesse Hardwicke (who will always be Bernie to me) is a good-for-nothin trailer park inhabitant who gets shot, and nursed back to health by an old-timer in the swamps. He reminds me of an eye bulger. While looking at an old scrap book, Jesse figures the old-timer to be immortal and demands to know the secret. It's a pretty solid story with mild gore, as compared to the previous story's pretty absent gore. It's actually a really good segment.




Next Mr. Price tells the story of carnival freaks under the rule of the voodoo Snake Woman. Specifically the Glass Eater and his forbidden love, Amarillus. It's not the best, kinda interesting though. I like the concept of the ending, but wish there was more with the other freaks overall. Like No Face man. "I'm a glass eater; I'm a freak!"





Lastly we get the goriest of the bunch, a Civil War, cannibalistic Children-of-the-Corn-ish yarn starring Cameron Mitchell. It's relatively tame in the gore department compared to other flicks, but within the context of this movie, it's more intense. This segment a pretty solid one as well, I found it kind of believable almost. Maybe more Lord of the Flies





For director Jeff Burr, this movie led to a bunch of middle of the road type of '80s/'90s horror junk sequels like Stepfather II, Leatherface (TCM 3), Pumpkinhead 2, Puppetmaster 4 & 5. Truthfully, I've never seen any of those (no joke) but I'd bet this is better. I know I don't seem too enthusiastic but I did enjoy this. It's better than getting a titty twister.

I don't know why it would be called The Offspring for it's theatrical release, since not all the stories really have to do with kids. It is a more '80s marketable title though, I'll give it that. Check it out.

Samurai Cop - The Horny Nurse

Retarded Trailer For the Movie "Dogfather"

This movie exists.

VHS Cover of the Day: Charks Cave aka Cave of the Sharks (1978)

This almost seems like a joke...

Monsturd (2003)

"Don't get caught with your pants down!"

As soon as I started this I knew I was going to be very angry with myself (which is why I'm drinking) or really happy with myself (which is ALSO why I'm drinking).

Turns out I am really happy with myself... and kind of drunk!

If you couldn't tell this is just a big low budget poop joke. Everything I could have ever wished for!

And guess what... It's actually kinda funny!

Yes, the plot is dumb. Yes, some of the acting is amateur-ish. Yes, it's a movie about poop... but there is something really fun about this. It's a total gross out flick with a ton of legitimately funny, well done dick/fart/poop humor. Reminds me a lot of a Troma flick.

Only gripe I have is how similar it is in plot to Jack Frost... you know... but... with POOP.

To sum it up... If you are on this site you probably like this sort of thing. It's pretty fun but ultimately poopy (see what I did there). I suggest you watch it... or don't... what do I look like your mother. Don't judge me... leave me alone.